Emotional Rollercoaster

I respected you.

I adored you.

I wanted you.

I thought you knew.

Unsaid, unbidden,

My feelings once a spark,

Now a flame.

One word of yours was enough to douse it.

You had never known.

You had never wanted me.

You respected me.

Thought me a friend.

But nothing more.

I was not as important or special to you

As you had been to me.

And even then, the moments we shared,

The laughs, the conversations,

I am loathe to let go of you.

I fear change and yet your one word has changed everything.

I thought you mine,

You were never mine.

I treated you as mine,

You treated me as yours,

We were never each others.

We were ‘just friends’.

‘Just friends’ that argued like a married couple,

‘Just friends’ that flirted at every turn,

‘Just friends’ that held each other close,

‘Just friends’ that never set any boundaries between each other.

You say you are sorry

Sorry for what?

Making me feel like I could be yours?

That I could call you mine?

That I had found what I had been looking for in you?

That you made me fall for you?

That I felt alive with you by my side?

For becoming my safe haven?

What were you sorry for?

Was your apology genuine,

Or were you just expressing regrets.

Regrets for having met me

Regrets for getting to know me

Regrets for ever letting yourself near me.

What were you thinking?

I never could tell before,

Nor can I tell now.

Even as I sit here,

Wanting so much to hate what you did,

I defend you, your actions, and words.

I fight for you against everyone else,

I crave your presence,

I want you near me.

Even when I know all it is going to do is cause me pain,

I still want you.

Even when I know there could be no us,

I still want you.

Why won’t you leave me?

Why must you stay.

In my mind, in my heart, in my thoughts.

Why can’t I let you go?

Why was I not enough?

What did I not do?

What did I not say?

Why am I never enough?